I’ve Lost Her.

As I sit in the darkening living room eating my fourth peanut butter sandwich of the week I wonder If she’s ok. I dip my cup a bucket of water to quench my thirst, not the best tasting water but I’m thirsty and it’s all I have. I sit on our couch adjusting my eyes to the changing light in the room.  It’s been three days since I’ve saw her. I came home from school, turned the key and automatically could feel that she wasn’t home. I’m used to her missing for a day, that’s normal for her. But three days is new, I’m longing for her to nurture me like she does on her good days. Spaghetti and butter, sleeping in her bed and hot baths with the tv on a chair (I like to pretend I’m a mermaid).

Day one I ate a peanut butter sandwich, a banana that I saved from school and an apple juice! Day two I ate two sandwiches; Cheetos I got from earning school points and a glass of water. I wish I had enough bread on day three for two sandwiches, but I had to save two slices for the next day. I went to bed early to ignore my hunger. We don’t have a phone so she can’t call to check on me & I can’t hear her voice telling me to make sure I get water from our neighbors’ hose. I can only do that when the sun goes down. I light a candle and set it on the kitchen counter then do another for the bathroom. The one in the bathroom smells like blueberries and makes my stomach growl. I wish I could eat it, blueberries sound delicious right now.

Where was she? Jail, with a friend, somewhere hurt. I’m so worried.

I really need & miss her right now. I'm starting to hear her voice when she isn't here.

I need my Mommy.

I’m only in the 3rd grade.

           I’m a child, I shouldn’t have to sneak for food and water, I shouldn’t be sitting in the dark on a random Wednesday by myself. I should be able to have these things at home, she should be home. My friend Aubree said that her mom said it’s not ok that I’m home alone all the time. That it wasn’t safe and that someone should make a call to CPS on my mom. Sometimes it doesn’t sound like a bad idea. But what my mom do without me? We’re a team and I messed up by losing her. How could I lose her?

She should be home being my Mommy.

           I’m too young to know that we’re going to get separated eventually. The school talks about it, they say that there’s a possibility that we’ll end up in the system. Prison and foster. I try my hardest to be a good girl. In school & at home. I’m polite and do all my homework. I help the teachers and in return they feed me. The other day I had Popeyes, I can still smell and taste it. I shredded lots of paper for that lunch.  And when we’re home together, she barely notices that I’m here. I pride myself at being super quiet. I don’t ask for seconds when I know there’s not enough for us both. I wait to eat at school. When she’s sleeping in, I tiptoe by her room, just to make sure I don’t wake her.

           Maybe, I could use a neighbor’s phone and call around for her. I’m sure I can find her phonebook in her room. But then people would know that I’ve lost her. It's too late to walk to the payphone down the street by myself, only when the sun is up. Mom says never answer the door or leave out when it’s dark. Then she’ll lose me, I can’t let that happen.

                                   “I’m all she has.” I say out loud. Slipping on my sneakers and zipping up my hoodie.

I sneak out the back of the house to fill my buckets with water. The hills a little steep, but I know what I’m doing.

                      “I hope she’s not in jail again, last time it was a week. I need her home today.” I sigh as I weigh the bucket to make sure I could carry it back up the hill. “I’m almost out of bread, and I'm tired of water”

I lug the bucket back up to the house and head back down with another. My shoes are wet from the puddle I stepped in made by the hose. Mom uses this one to flush the toilet. I look at my glow in the dark Rugrats watch, it's almost nine at night. Bedtime, if mom comes back tonight, I need her to see that I followed all the rules she said I needed to while she was gone.

           “Time to wash up and brush my teeth.” I say as I kick my wet shoes off and place them neatly on the shoe rack. And unzip my hoodie.

           I wash up and clean up my mess, then get in bed watching the blueberry candle that I carefully carried up the steps until I fall asleep.

Before I know it, the sun is shining in my face, and someone is banging on the door.

           “Who is it?” I ask standing at the top of the steps.

           “Child Protective Services, Simone is your mother home?” She kind voice on the other end of the phone asked.

           My heart starts to pound, and tears start to fall. “She’s sleeping, can you come back later?”

           “Young lady, we need you to open the door.” A man’s voice yelled.

           “I’m not allowed to answer the door for strangers.” I speak.

           “Please we’re here to help.” The nicer voice said.

           “Help?” I asked moving closer to the door.

           “Yes, please open the door.” The lady begs.

I unlock the door and peek out.

                       “Where’s your mother, Simone?” The lady asked.

           I burst out crying “I lost her!”