Love

The Relationship Pt 1.

The Relationship Pt 1.

6+ months ago my long term relationship finally ended. Sadly it wasn’t the most civilized separation, a lot of hearts were broken. You definitely expect 2 hearts to be broken in a break up. I broke 3 and a possible (yes, a spades reference) I really didn’t mean to break any.

My life has been nothing but silencing myself to uplift and make others happy I know a lot of people can relate to that. As a child I remember never speaking up for myself and totally missing out on true happiness. I still struggle with this characteristic and I’m almost 30. It’s truly a daily work in progress.

I met an amazing man for the second time when I was 22. He stepped in and became a great father figure to my children. And I truly loved him with every bone in my body. But things started to change later on in our relationship. We got older, I became wiser about what it was I wanted. You never want to tell the person you love that you aren’t happy anymore. But, what are your options? Do you continue to live unhappy to spare the feelings of the person you’re with or do you run as far as you can in the opposite direction?

I let him know.

Maybe the delivery was off but I had to let him know that I wasn’t happy. I was proud of myself for speaking up. His poor heart couldn’t understand how I couldn’t be happy. He was providing he said, that’s what men do they provide for their families. I could tell he was unhappy too, I was just the only one who spoke up about it. I wasn’t sure what it was that wasn’t working for him. But I needed love and affection. That was what I was missing. Was it truly his fault? I knew that I was a difficult person to love, I had always been that way. I could shut off emotions at the snap of a finger and become a turtle tucked in its shell when my emotions told me to. But just because I was this way didn’t mean that I was unaware of what type of love it was that I needed. Could it even be found? Could I ever be happy? Is anyone ever truly happy with love?

I started to notice that our unhappiness was affecting my babies. As a parent you know when something is wrong with your children. As a single mother they were first, and I promised to keep it that way forever. No man would ever come before them. I could never ignore their emotions for the love of a man. I think deep down we both knew it was time to split up. A tiny bit wanted to hang on. Who wants to fail at anything? Breaking up was a failure in our eyes. It took awhile but it happened because I was so confident that I had found attention in another place… with another person.

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